jde's posterous

I would very much like to get up and embrace the dawn, or perhaps come to the end of the day and greet dusk with a long warm smile before bed.  These days I’m usually exhausted both in the morning and at night, and when I’m not I find many things to do and fling myself into several at once.  The cycles of night into day into night hold little grounding solace for me, despite their consistency.  This is simply because I’m not there for them.

Now and then I look up out from under my tasks or find a spark of life amidst a low lie down near death and catch a glimpse of a day or night.  I’ll spend a few minutes feeling it, being part of it, before finding my way back into whatever hole I’m digging or inhabiting during that stretch.  These moments are wonderful and I love this world of which I’m apart.  But they are too short to encapsulate the movements that support life and so I miss out on anything strong enough to suspend between the moments when I’m passionate and alive so I can walk with poise and balance over the void.

I would very much like to embrace the cycles so that they can embrace me back.  I must feel, know, remember and participate in them if they are to instill in me their consistency.  A true embrace is a loving action, given freely and wholly without distraction. It gives support of the deepest kind, an intertwining, showing both that support it given and that support in return in needed.  This is what I haven’t managed in a very long time.  It is very evident to me these days now precisely nothing is returned when nothing is given, or fragments for fragments like like this thin literary exercise pried out of this evening’s distant feeling as I sat on my couch already worn out on a Sunday afternoon before another week of work is to begin.